Thursday, December 1, 2011

How to Drive in Houston

I think driving in the city of Houston could be considered a sport. I have come to the conclusion that the manual I studied to get my driver's licence is completely useless here. I am also pretty sure the majority of drivers don't know who has the right of way in any given situation, which results in epic multi-direction traffic jams.

Car vs. pedestrian: who has the right of way?

ME!

It doesn't matter who is the car or the pedestrian. I am going somewhere important and I should have the right of way. The end.

I thought it would be interesting to share my view of the unspoken driving rules in Houston. I hope this does not deter you from visiting. (We love visitors!)

1. Your vehicle must be BIG. If it is not, obscenely expensive will suffice.

2. If you're not tailgating or speeding, you're not really driving. True Houstonians do both at the same time.

3. You must not use your blinker. If you do use a blinker, it should in no way indicate what your next move will be.

4. Switching one lane at a time is for sissies.

5. When getting out of your car in a parking lot, swing the door with gusto. Denting someone's car, it's not big deal! If they've been in Houston for any amount of time, their doors probably look like the surface of a golf ball anyway.

6. Texting and driving is required. If you don't have the capacity to do both simultaneously, texting is obviously the first priority.

7. Tire repairs should be a category included in your monthly budget.

8. Gas pump hoses are long for a reason: to be stretched around your entire car. If given the opportunity, take full advantage.

9. Using your blinker will never persuade another driver to let you in. If you go, they will get out of the way (usually).

10. Never forget, you are the only one that matters.

Parents who teach their children to drive here should receive some sort of medal of honor or a serious discount on anxiety prescriptions. Like my grandmother, I'm not sure that I'm up to having kids in Texas.

I imagine little road rage apprentices ramming their Power Wheels together screaming, "Hey Y'all, get out of the way!" ...that is until they grow up. As in any city, Houston road rage is less polite and full of grown-up words.

Here's to all of the brave souls that drive the streets of this city regularly. And to those who make a simple trip to the grocery store a thrilling adventure for the rest of us: you live in the south. Since you do everything else so slowly, why not try this too?

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